Whoa-Oh, Halfway there...(60 Lbs. Down)

 

Six months, 60 pounds lost.  I am now halfway to my goal of losing 120 pounds.

Whoa.  60 pounds.  Six-ty.

I am currently at a weight I don't think I've ever been in my adult life.  At my current rate, I may be under 200 lbs by the end of winter.  I'm having a hard time parsing that.  I have never NOT been fat, as far as I can remember.

Like I said, whoa.

I  recognize the changes in my body in terms of movement.  I am able to go up stairs without a shortness of breath.  I am not feeling pain in my knees, or my back, as much as I used to.  I've increased my level of activity.  I'm walking almost 3 miles a day,  and working out in the mornings.  I'm also able to do things I haven't before.  This morning, I was able to do tricep dips off the end of my couch, raising my body up using just my arms.  Previously I would skip that exercise, but now I can do multiple reps.  I'm also getting closer to grabbing my foot behind my back for a quad stretch, something for years I've attributed to having short arms and failing at.

I have also noticed that I am getting looked at in the eye more.  At first when I noticed it happening, I thought it was because I had something on my face.  Then I wondered if it was my purple lipstick I was wearing.  After a few weeks of this, it dawned on me:  people were meeting me in the eye more as I lost weight.  I wanted to shake that idea away as foolishness, but I'm here to tell you it is happening more, and it is still creeping me out.  This is different than the stares of people when they think you're not paying attention.  That's not meeting another human being's face.  I've lived so long in this world as a fat person, I know the difference.  If you do not fit society's "norms," then you are not to be looked at directly, rather to be gawked at.

I want to be upset at this realization.  But...there is this tiny, small part of me, the grade school girl that got taunted, that is saying "Yay!  They're looking at us!  I finally fit in now!  I'm considered part of society!"

Again, whoa.

This is all part of the challenges in my brain of trying to balance out my current path, with my beliefs of Health at Every Size (HAES).  I want to make sure throughout my journey I keep saying that, because I do not EVER want my journey to be any anti-obesity or fat-shaming lesson.  For me, and ONLY me, I was not healthy at my size.  My body was starting to wear out, and I needed to take care of it and find the size I am healthy at.

Why, then, am I showing the pictures of when I started the journey, and where I am now, like a before-and-after?  Because I am proud of my efforts.  The benefit to losing weight and getting in shape is finding clothes that fit better. It is not lost on me that while I may be fitting better in lower-sized clothing, could it be that it is because the variety of clothing is better tailored at the lower sizes?

Additionally I want to stop downplaying all the work I've done getting this far.  Trust me, I keep trying to.   Whenever someone congratulates or cheers me on, I find myself making excuses for not making it a big deal. I've realized this may be in some part, a form of  Imposter Syndrome, that if people call attention to my achievement I may be "found out" as a fraud.  That using Weight Watchers is "cheating;"  That working out to Biggest Loser videos isn't "really working out."  That really, at the end of the day, I don't "fit in."

The reconciliation of all of these things is part of my journey.  I am aware of that, and figuring it out.  I don't know if I will need to seek help beyond friends and Connect (Weight Watcher's in-app community) to resolve it.

But for now, for today?  I want to brag,

 I HAVE LOST 60 POUNDS!

  I have worked REALLY REALLY HARD at it!  

...and I am NOT DONE! 

This is 40

Charms, L-R: Red spacer from my Mother's jewelry collection; a Dragonfly (gift from cousins); blue spacer from Ma's collection; my WW 20 lb charm; my 40-lb loss reward, a TARDIS!

I've hit another loss milestone.  I've lost forty pounds. The newest charm is a TARDIS, which has multiple meanings for me.  It's one of the first TV shows I remember my Mom watching, and it scared me (the theme music and the "guy in the wheelchair," that I now know as Davros!).  It's a favorite show of me & my husband, who has been so amazing and supportive of me on this journey.  We nicknamed our current home the "TARDIS on the Charles," because of it's location on the river and how it looks so much bigger once you step inside.

We'll be leaving the TARDIS soon for a new home, and I wanted a reminder of the house that we started our family in, and how far we've come since then.  It's the same on this journey of better health and weight loss.  I don't ever want to forget where I've been.  And not out of a fear of "ever going back," but more of an appreciation of who I was at the weight I was at that time.

I have been struggling with the challenge of dealing with external negativity., in different forms:

Passive Aggressive  - and downright aggressive - WW hate:  It's interesting to see the increase of articles posted on social media  since I've come out about using Weight Watchers. Links about diet plans that don't work long-term (think the Biggest Loser contestants), and specifically about Weight Watchers relying on people failing at weight loss and coming back as a revenue stream. I've also started seeing comments on the new SmartPoints system, and how it's worse than the old one, and even a few comments on how it's unhealthy.

I can't argue with numbers of the WW stock going down, or membership numbers down.  But I'm also not sure what that has to do with the HUNDREDS of people I see on  Connect (the WW social feed in their app) that are succeeding, and the people making Lifetime membership and maintaining.

I also can tell you I've felt the best about my eating than I have in a long, LOOONG time.  On this journey I have room to indulge in not-so-healthy-for-me choices in that I can plan for, and NOT feel guilty or beat myself up.  I am learning to make choices, and I'm also understanding the effects of those choices.  I'm learning a life plan, not a quick weight-loss diet plan.

And then there was the salesperson at GNC that trash-talked WW as well, saying "I just can't see how using a point system really works in losing weight."  While trying to upsell me an expensive protein bar instead of my beloved Quest bars, which according to him were filled with artificial sweeteners and worse for my body.  I angrily told him "well, it works for me as I've lost 35 pounds so far," and stormed out of the store, never going back.

Non-Scale Vicory (NSV): This is a shirt I didn't fit in over a year ago.
 Look at how WW "just doesn't work."  Right.

Clean eating vs. "Chemicals."  Posts about how it isn't "real" success unless you've done it without using artificial sweeteners/chemical-filled foods/anything other than "natural" food.  Posts criticizing people eating Halo Top ice cream and other brands of food, even going so far to calling it "cheating!"  What?   I think it's no one's business but their own on what they're eating, and who am I to tell them it's right or wrong?

Weight Loss Surgery vs. Weight Loss Plan/Dieting  I am admitting here; I have in the past been EXTREMELY judgmental with some people on getting WLS in order to lose their weight, and felt a bit smug that I was doing it "the right way."  I was wrong to think that.  SO.  WRONG.  The stories I've read of people struggling the same struggles I have, and the hope and miracles that WLS did for them, and reading the stories on Connect, and I get it now.  It's opened my eyes, and I needed to check my own privilege.

I am SO tired of the gatekeeping around weight loss and getting healthy. What is it saying about ourselves that we not only pass judgement who should and shouldn't lose weight, but then decide it's "real," only on the terms that we decide are acceptable?  Nope, it doesn't work that way.

If you, not society, not a fatphobic doctor, not anyone else, feel like you should make movement and/or weight changes to your body?  DO WHAT WORKS FOR YOU.  Walking.  Running.  Sweatin' to the Oldies. YOU do YOU.  And I'll be here, rooting for you!

Reward System

At my Mother's memorial gathering, two of my cousins gifted me a charm bracelet with a dragonfly charm, and a copy of The Dragonfly Story to explain the significance.   I've decided to use this bracelet as part of my reward system for the newest path on my journey to wellness.

One of the reasons I'm losing doing this is because of my mom.  She died of endometrial cancer, This particular type of cancer feeds on estrogen.  If you're overweight, guess what gets stored in fat?  Estrogen!   Even though my doctor told me this type of cancer isn't hereditary, I don't want to take chances.

The Weight Watchers app has a great social feature called Connect, and you can see how other people using WW are doing in terms of working the point system, great recipe hacks, success stories, and sharing strength with those that need it. There's also been posts about a reward system.  In the past, I've felt awkward creating or thinking up ways to "reward" myself for weight loss.  For some reason, I felt that I shouldn't reward what I felt was cleaning up the mess that is my body and weight.  Or that if I did do a reward system, and I earned a reward, my inner critic would find some way to discredit it.

This time, I decided to work with those uncomfortable feelings, as I have found that it might be uncomfortable because it's a challenge, and therefore an opportunity to learn.   I wanted to learn to reward myself, and to celebrate getting healthy.

I made a checklist, in five-pound intervals.  I decided every 20 pounds would be a larger milestone, and deserve a bigger reward:  a charm on the bracelet.  I would be able to wear my accomplishment and see it, in order to be reminded of the path and goals I've set for myself, and to also have my Mom there, giving me her strength and rooting me on from beyond.  Here's my list, which I started late in the game so started at 15 lbs:

• 15 lbs: Markers for coloring  - DONE!
• 20: New Charm for Bracelet  - DONE!
• 25: Nail Polish 
• 30: Zen Embroidery kit 
• 35: New Boots (This will also be a milestone for another number on the scale)
• 40: Charm for Bracelet 
• 45: Lipstick  
• 50: Mani/Pedi 
• 55: Music Album 
• 60: Charm for Bracelet  
• 65: Board Game 
• 70: Graphic Novel 
• 75: Facial 
• 80: Charm for Bracelet  
• 85: Flower Bouquet 
• 90: Book 
• 95: Adirondack Chair  
• 100:Charm for Bracelet  
• 105: Vera Bradley Bag 
• 110:  GOAL!!!! - Charm!!!

I earned my first reward, the markers, and I went to Target and got myself a modest, 12-pen set.  It had been something I had wanted, but now instead of zipping to the store to get it, I waited until I earned it.  I also realized one of the ways I used to reward myself for healthy accomplishments (running, 5ks) was with food.  I ran enough to eat that cake, or I walked around the Boston Common and Garden at lunch, so I can have that extra taco.  For me, those aren't rewards anymore; that's self-sabotage.

As you can see in the photo, I've now earned my first 20-lb loss reward; a Wonder Woman charm.  Those that have been reading this blog and have seen my costumes for 5Ks and sci-fi conventions, should not be surprised.  Wonder Woman has always been a symbol of strength for me, so it had to be the first charm, to be right next to my "Ma" charm.  I don't think it's a coincidence the initials are "WW."

I'm also going to admit, I'm loving getting rewards.   As much as I love the positive feedback from friends and family, rewarding myself is part of self-care I've ignored or not done appropriately.  Learning to do this I think will help me this time stick with this, and get the rest of these things on the list!

Reboot and an Upgrade

Three years' hiatus is a long time in the blogoshpere.  No one reads a blog that doesn't update, and a blogger won't write unless there's an audience.  The blog eventually becomes an inert part of the WorldWideWeb.

I have many reasons this blog went without updates for so long:  Two kids and a full-time job; senior-level staff convention running; two job changes; injuries that prevented exercise;  but most of all, losing both parents and  then the will for self-care.

When my father passed in December of 2013, it was a shock.  When my mother passed this past January, it was at the end of a ferocious battle with cancer. Both of these events were to be expected, but the timing and circumstances didn't lend to coping.  Also?  I don't think you can  ever be prepared to lose your parents.

A lot of coping came in the form of comfort food (oh, so MUCH yummy comfort food), and alcohol.  I also took a job that was remote, so I was working from home and sitting much more than I used to.  At first, I was able to get out and exercise on lunch breaks or early in the morning, but as the job and workload went on my free time was squeezed out.  An increase of travel meant eating out more, and grabbing what you could when you could.

A wake-up call for me was in mid-April. I hurt my left knee pretty bad, to the point of having to go see an orthopedist surgeon and receive a cortisone shot.  He found arthritis, a torn meniscus, and a bone spur:

As I lamented while limping around wearing a brace, a very good, dear friend that saves peoples' lives for a living (they're a doctor), was sending me messages, offering advice for pain management, and finally gave me some advice for taking care of my knees that included losing some weight to alleviate pressure on the knee joints.  According to my doctor friend, even losing 11 pounds would make a large difference to my leg-bender parts.

While lying on the couch fighting a stomach bug, an ad for Weight Watchers came on TV.  Up until now, I had mixed feelings about signing up for any weight loss program.  For people perceived to be outside the societal norms for weight, there is this weird, fucked-up paradox that includes weight loss attempts to be sources of humor and pessimism.  Society has no problem telling you you're fat, and that you're unhealthy and ordering you to "do something about it," and at the same time it also has no problem yelling mean things out a window at a chubby person out for a jog, or laughing when they mention joining a weight-loss system.  I see it on social media, I've had it happen to me personally.  

There's also the fear of alienating and losing your other overweight friends.  You're considered a traitor to the "Healthy at Every Size," movement if you talk about losing weight.  Mentioning joining WW or Jenny Craig, or any of those programs, will get a quiet, non-enthusiastic response of "oh," a passive-aggressive way of saying "so you're caving in to society, and leaving us in the fight for fat acceptance."  I know this because I've been like this and said this, and been in conversations this has been said.

And here's where the messed-up thinking that forms the inner bully comes in, trying to convince you that joining something like WW is nothing more than another point of possible failure, or even worse...ridicule and negativity comments.

That's right.  I would rather NOT join WW, something I would be doing to preserve my health, so not to upset OTHERS.  This has been part of my self-sabotaging MO most of my life:  putting others' needs and feelings before mine.  I am realizing now this has to stop, in order to save at least my knees, if not my life:

I decided to sign up for Weight Watchers online program that day.  I do not regret it.

It has NOT been easy.  The first two weeks were stressful, trying to fit my usual eating into the point plan of the program.  I constantly went over the allotments, flew through the weekly buffer points, leaving me feeling like I was failing.  The thing is, I wasn't failing, and in fact, I think I needed to have those weeks of going over the points to have the realization of my own habits.  I was overeating, and even if I thought I was eating healthy, in reality I was loading up on sugars and carbs.  Pretty sneaky, Weight Watchers...teaching me lessons through a point-system!

Then there's the social aspect of the program.  If you use the Connections part of the mobile app (and a downloadable program for the computer), you have a supportive social network of people all trying to do the same thing you are.  What has been helping me is seeing I'm not the only one that wants to lose over 100 pounds.  Most of my social circle that wants to lose weight isn't in that range so it's hard to have that shared experience.  Seeing others' success stories and struggles helps keep me motivated and finding kindred spirits to connect to.  It has also been a lifesaver in finding tips and tricks to, as one member says, "eat like a fat kid and still lose weight."

An unexpected enjoyment is the gamification and room for creativity in this process.  For example, during the warm weather, I love my flavored ice coffees from Dunkies and Starbucks.  Lots of calories to drink in those.  I was horrified to see that even the Mini S'Mores Frappucino that I adore was over 200 calories!  With nonfat milk!  I've now discovered the joy of adding the bottled Skinny Caramel Macchiato to my coffee, with little caloric impact, and still get something yummy.  Last night, while the family had pizza delivery, I made myself a tortilla pizza and a lightened-up Cesear salad.  I didn't feel like I was sacrificing anything; in fact, I love thin crust over regular crust, so I was TOTALLY getting what I wanted anyway! 

I've now been on the plan for over a month. I've lost 18 lbs.  My knee is feeling SO much better, and now I'm  looking into ways to get more exercise.  I may start up my Daily Burn account.  I also have a mini stationary cycle that I'm trying to use in the mornings while watching TV, and allowing myself only to watch certain shows when I'm cycling (Kimmy Schmidt is the current show).

I'm at a point where I also want to get more mindful of this, and incorporate it into getting back into finding myself and my bliss.  I'm inspired by Wil Wheaton's 'Rebooting' process, I want to make my own list, but not call it a reboot.  This blog is definitely  reboot, but as a geek, I feel my current path is more of an upgrade.  

I'll be posting my progress here. It's not the same path when I was running (thanks knee!), but it's still a journey about health all the same.  Let's see where it goes.

Starting Weight: 285

Current Weight: 267

Goal Weight: 165