Reboot and an Upgrade

Three years' hiatus is a long time in the blogoshpere.  No one reads a blog that doesn't update, and a blogger won't write unless there's an audience.  The blog eventually becomes an inert part of the WorldWideWeb.

I have many reasons this blog went without updates for so long:  Two kids and a full-time job; senior-level staff convention running; two job changes; injuries that prevented exercise;  but most of all, losing both parents and  then the will for self-care.

When my father passed in December of 2013, it was a shock.  When my mother passed this past January, it was at the end of a ferocious battle with cancer. Both of these events were to be expected, but the timing and circumstances didn't lend to coping.  Also?  I don't think you can  ever be prepared to lose your parents.

A lot of coping came in the form of comfort food (oh, so MUCH yummy comfort food), and alcohol.  I also took a job that was remote, so I was working from home and sitting much more than I used to.  At first, I was able to get out and exercise on lunch breaks or early in the morning, but as the job and workload went on my free time was squeezed out.  An increase of travel meant eating out more, and grabbing what you could when you could.

A wake-up call for me was in mid-April. I hurt my left knee pretty bad, to the point of having to go see an orthopedist surgeon and receive a cortisone shot.  He found arthritis, a torn meniscus, and a bone spur:

As I lamented while limping around wearing a brace, a very good, dear friend that saves peoples' lives for a living (they're a doctor), was sending me messages, offering advice for pain management, and finally gave me some advice for taking care of my knees that included losing some weight to alleviate pressure on the knee joints.  According to my doctor friend, even losing 11 pounds would make a large difference to my leg-bender parts.

While lying on the couch fighting a stomach bug, an ad for Weight Watchers came on TV.  Up until now, I had mixed feelings about signing up for any weight loss program.  For people perceived to be outside the societal norms for weight, there is this weird, fucked-up paradox that includes weight loss attempts to be sources of humor and pessimism.  Society has no problem telling you you're fat, and that you're unhealthy and ordering you to "do something about it," and at the same time it also has no problem yelling mean things out a window at a chubby person out for a jog, or laughing when they mention joining a weight-loss system.  I see it on social media, I've had it happen to me personally.  

There's also the fear of alienating and losing your other overweight friends.  You're considered a traitor to the "Healthy at Every Size," movement if you talk about losing weight.  Mentioning joining WW or Jenny Craig, or any of those programs, will get a quiet, non-enthusiastic response of "oh," a passive-aggressive way of saying "so you're caving in to society, and leaving us in the fight for fat acceptance."  I know this because I've been like this and said this, and been in conversations this has been said.

And here's where the messed-up thinking that forms the inner bully comes in, trying to convince you that joining something like WW is nothing more than another point of possible failure, or even worse...ridicule and negativity comments.

That's right.  I would rather NOT join WW, something I would be doing to preserve my health, so not to upset OTHERS.  This has been part of my self-sabotaging MO most of my life:  putting others' needs and feelings before mine.  I am realizing now this has to stop, in order to save at least my knees, if not my life:

I decided to sign up for Weight Watchers online program that day.  I do not regret it.

It has NOT been easy.  The first two weeks were stressful, trying to fit my usual eating into the point plan of the program.  I constantly went over the allotments, flew through the weekly buffer points, leaving me feeling like I was failing.  The thing is, I wasn't failing, and in fact, I think I needed to have those weeks of going over the points to have the realization of my own habits.  I was overeating, and even if I thought I was eating healthy, in reality I was loading up on sugars and carbs.  Pretty sneaky, Weight Watchers...teaching me lessons through a point-system!

Then there's the social aspect of the program.  If you use the Connections part of the mobile app (and a downloadable program for the computer), you have a supportive social network of people all trying to do the same thing you are.  What has been helping me is seeing I'm not the only one that wants to lose over 100 pounds.  Most of my social circle that wants to lose weight isn't in that range so it's hard to have that shared experience.  Seeing others' success stories and struggles helps keep me motivated and finding kindred spirits to connect to.  It has also been a lifesaver in finding tips and tricks to, as one member says, "eat like a fat kid and still lose weight."

An unexpected enjoyment is the gamification and room for creativity in this process.  For example, during the warm weather, I love my flavored ice coffees from Dunkies and Starbucks.  Lots of calories to drink in those.  I was horrified to see that even the Mini S'Mores Frappucino that I adore was over 200 calories!  With nonfat milk!  I've now discovered the joy of adding the bottled Skinny Caramel Macchiato to my coffee, with little caloric impact, and still get something yummy.  Last night, while the family had pizza delivery, I made myself a tortilla pizza and a lightened-up Cesear salad.  I didn't feel like I was sacrificing anything; in fact, I love thin crust over regular crust, so I was TOTALLY getting what I wanted anyway! 

I've now been on the plan for over a month. I've lost 18 lbs.  My knee is feeling SO much better, and now I'm  looking into ways to get more exercise.  I may start up my Daily Burn account.  I also have a mini stationary cycle that I'm trying to use in the mornings while watching TV, and allowing myself only to watch certain shows when I'm cycling (Kimmy Schmidt is the current show).

I'm at a point where I also want to get more mindful of this, and incorporate it into getting back into finding myself and my bliss.  I'm inspired by Wil Wheaton's 'Rebooting' process, I want to make my own list, but not call it a reboot.  This blog is definitely  reboot, but as a geek, I feel my current path is more of an upgrade.  

I'll be posting my progress here. It's not the same path when I was running (thanks knee!), but it's still a journey about health all the same.  Let's see where it goes.

Starting Weight: 285

Current Weight: 267

Goal Weight: 165