Whoa-Oh, Halfway there...(60 Lbs. Down)

 

Six months, 60 pounds lost.  I am now halfway to my goal of losing 120 pounds.

Whoa.  60 pounds.  Six-ty.

I am currently at a weight I don't think I've ever been in my adult life.  At my current rate, I may be under 200 lbs by the end of winter.  I'm having a hard time parsing that.  I have never NOT been fat, as far as I can remember.

Like I said, whoa.

I  recognize the changes in my body in terms of movement.  I am able to go up stairs without a shortness of breath.  I am not feeling pain in my knees, or my back, as much as I used to.  I've increased my level of activity.  I'm walking almost 3 miles a day,  and working out in the mornings.  I'm also able to do things I haven't before.  This morning, I was able to do tricep dips off the end of my couch, raising my body up using just my arms.  Previously I would skip that exercise, but now I can do multiple reps.  I'm also getting closer to grabbing my foot behind my back for a quad stretch, something for years I've attributed to having short arms and failing at.

I have also noticed that I am getting looked at in the eye more.  At first when I noticed it happening, I thought it was because I had something on my face.  Then I wondered if it was my purple lipstick I was wearing.  After a few weeks of this, it dawned on me:  people were meeting me in the eye more as I lost weight.  I wanted to shake that idea away as foolishness, but I'm here to tell you it is happening more, and it is still creeping me out.  This is different than the stares of people when they think you're not paying attention.  That's not meeting another human being's face.  I've lived so long in this world as a fat person, I know the difference.  If you do not fit society's "norms," then you are not to be looked at directly, rather to be gawked at.

I want to be upset at this realization.  But...there is this tiny, small part of me, the grade school girl that got taunted, that is saying "Yay!  They're looking at us!  I finally fit in now!  I'm considered part of society!"

Again, whoa.

This is all part of the challenges in my brain of trying to balance out my current path, with my beliefs of Health at Every Size (HAES).  I want to make sure throughout my journey I keep saying that, because I do not EVER want my journey to be any anti-obesity or fat-shaming lesson.  For me, and ONLY me, I was not healthy at my size.  My body was starting to wear out, and I needed to take care of it and find the size I am healthy at.

Why, then, am I showing the pictures of when I started the journey, and where I am now, like a before-and-after?  Because I am proud of my efforts.  The benefit to losing weight and getting in shape is finding clothes that fit better. It is not lost on me that while I may be fitting better in lower-sized clothing, could it be that it is because the variety of clothing is better tailored at the lower sizes?

Additionally I want to stop downplaying all the work I've done getting this far.  Trust me, I keep trying to.   Whenever someone congratulates or cheers me on, I find myself making excuses for not making it a big deal. I've realized this may be in some part, a form of  Imposter Syndrome, that if people call attention to my achievement I may be "found out" as a fraud.  That using Weight Watchers is "cheating;"  That working out to Biggest Loser videos isn't "really working out."  That really, at the end of the day, I don't "fit in."

The reconciliation of all of these things is part of my journey.  I am aware of that, and figuring it out.  I don't know if I will need to seek help beyond friends and Connect (Weight Watcher's in-app community) to resolve it.

But for now, for today?  I want to brag,

 I HAVE LOST 60 POUNDS!

  I have worked REALLY REALLY HARD at it!  

...and I am NOT DONE!