Winter of Discontent

"Winter is Coming."

The month of February has not been kind to me or my family.  This has left working out in quite the mess.

First, we had a blizzard.  This meant school closures, and me not having time to work out.  However, there was shovelling, and pulling the little ones around in sleds:

Then, we had illnesses in our house.  First me, then the kids.  My illness left me not able to exercise, and the middle-of the night sessions with sick kids also did not help.  At that point, more rest for the body was more important than getting up to work out.

So finally, FINALLY, this past Monday I was able to get up and work out.  The week before I bought a new workout DVD, I found in the clearance aisle:

"Really, just 30 days of jumping, that's it."

I popped the DVD in, and selected the 10-minute cardio level one. I hadn't worked out in about two weeks, this would be a good way to start, right?  The workout is done by contestants, no BL Trainers in sight.  They go into a "warm-up," a term I use very, VERY loosely.  It was all upper body, wave your arms around, reach for the sky type of thing.  That was my first warning that something wasn't right.  We're going to be doing some cardio, right?  Shouldn't we do some leg warmups?

It then goes right into the "cardio blast" workout.  It was bad, really bad.  A LOT of jumping up and down, and about 8 minutes into it, I stopped.  My knees weren't happy, and it just did not feel like a workout.  But, did I think it was a bad DVD?  No, not at the time.  At the time that residual Evil Gym Teacher in my head was telling me "It's a professional video!  You're just out of shape, that's why it was hard!"

By the afternoon, I was walking with a limp.  The next morning, I could barely walk on one foot.  My heel was in so much pain I was hobbling around.  As I reflected on the previous mornings' workout, I saw two problems with what I did:

1. I did the workout without shoes on.  I haven't had a problem with the other DVDs, but there was not a lot of jumping up in down in those.  Not having shock absorbers pretty much wrecked my heel and my calf muscles for awhile.
2. I didn't listen to myself.  I knew the workout wasn't safe.  I knew something didn't feel right, but instead I doubted my knowledge of smart/safe working out because I still don't acknowledge that I CAN know these things, even though I'm obese.

I'm keeping myself on the DL until my calf muscles stop twinging in pain, which will probably be the rest of this week.  When I start up again Monday, I will go with what I know is smart: warming up, not too much repetitive motion that feels strained, TRUST MY INSTINCTS AND KNOWLEDGE.  Oh, and tossing that DVD in the trash.

Clothes, Clothes, Everywhere...and Not a Thing to Wear

I've heard being a tween isn't easy.  You're not a little kid, but you're not a teenager yet either.  I am finding this frustration in another form of 'tween:  sizes.

What you see above is the final assembly of an outfit five minutes before walking out the door to work.  Before that there was a half-hour of frustration which became me in tears, and seriously asking my husband if it would be wrong to take a sick day.  That's right:  I contemplated a sick day because I couldn't find anything to wear. 

I am right now in between sizes.  22s make me look baggy and frumpy, and doesn't show off the accomplishments of my hard work.  20s are just a smidge too tight, and make me look like that woman from Steel Magnolias, the one that looked like "two pigs wrasslin' under a blanket."  After trying on outfit #10, and being talked off the sick day ledge from my understanding husband, I put this together.   Then my three-year-old skipped past me, also wearing leggings under a skirt.  Dear lord, I've resorted to dressing myself like a preschooler.

This is such a hard time when you're working to get fit and therefore go down in sizes.  You don't necessarily want to spend the money on clothes that will just be a waystation before you lose more weight and need more clothes.  On the other hand, wearing the larger sizes just isn't flattering anymore.  It makes you look larger than you are, and the ill-fitting clothes aren't as appropriate for work.

What's important is exactly what my sweetie told me this morning as he kissed tears off my cheeks:  "Do NOT get discouraged."  This is part of the process. There are solutions. I'll be going through clothes bins I have in the basement, and see if I have more size-appropriate clothing.  If not, I'll hit the local thrift stores (Savers, Goodwill) and heck, even Target or Old Navy for lower-priced clothes to tide me over.

I really shouldn't complain too much.  I did recently purchase a size-appropraite piece of clothing, which was two sizes smaller than the last time I tried one on:  

I know I can't expect every outfit to look as fabulous as this one (hello, waist!), but I'd like to stop wearing layers and scarves to hide the ill-fitting clothes.   I know I'll get there, but some mornings it's harder than others.  It's all part of the challenge to get healthy.

Revisiting old Haunts

If you attended public schools, more than likely you had gym (or P.E.) class, all the way through high school.  If you were a fat kid, this class was the dreaded part of your day.  I LOATHED PE.  I would do everything and anything to get out of it.  There was the glorious month in high school when I was recovering from mono so I couldn't do anything that would damage my spleen.  And at least once a month I could claim cramps and sit on the benches.  Why did I hate it so much, besides the fact that as an overweight kid I couldn't do a lot of the activities?  The environment was less than supportive.

The majority of my phys ed teachers had no tolerance for out of shape students.  They used the same motivational tactics I've seen in the military movies my Dad loved:  scolding and humiliation.  Miss Chris, my 2nd and 3rd grade PE teacher, was the cruelest.  She remarked on my chubby legs slowing me down when I couldn't run as fast as my classmates.  When we did relay races, if I walked at ALL during the lap, she'd make my whole team run the lap again.  This didn't make me the most popular kid in gym class.  My mother finally had to intervene to get her to let up on me, which she did...barely.

It was in her classes I first encountered the Presidential Fitness Tests.  Every year students went through a routine of shuttle runs, standing long jumps, and other athletic challenges.  The teachers would tell you what a kid your age is supposed to be able to do, and then you tried to achieve that metric.  I don't think it's a spoiler to say that I never, in all my years doing these tests, "passed."

The gym teachers administering these tests made sure you knew how far below par you were.  Of course, my classmates picked up on the teachers distaste of my athletic failings, and their mocking jeers added to the chorus from the teachers.   I do blame the example set by those teachers for the bullying I got as a result of not performing well in gym.  The kids saw it was okay to mock me.  One such teasing session due to a Fitness Test (the long-distance run, if I recall) where I walked instead of ran led to girls teasing me.  I ended up fighting back and got my first (and only) suspension.

In the fourth grade, I was put into "Special PE," in order to improve my Presidential Fitness Test scores.  Instead of having recess, I and other athletic failures spent our free time running laps, jumping ropes, and other fitness-based exercises in hopes to improve.  Instead it got us mocked more by classmates.

It's no wonder that overweight grownups are scared of the gym, or exercising in public.  If you grew up in an environment where your attempts were met with ridicule, you'd avoid it like the plague!    I tried aerobics in college, then stopped as soon as I discovered the rugby team would watch us through the windows and laugh their asses off.  After that, I didn't even attempt anything exercise-related for years.  It took having an exercise facility (Curves) that targeted plus-size folk to get me out of the house and moving again.

Now I'm at a place in my life where I am trying to remove the damage of the past.  The inner-critics that have the voice of Miss Chris and those other cruel teachers are drowned out by my heavy breathing when working out.  While I'm working those demons out, I've decided I want to go back and address another beast:  the Fitness Test.

I want to see if I can now pass what I couldn't when I was a kid.  I know there's a grownup version, and I might use that as a standard.  Do it every year, and see where I fall within the standards.  I think I need to do this, and vanquish those demons once and for all.

Balance Isn't Just for the Scales of Justice

I can't remember the first time I heard about Weight Loss Surgery (WLS).  As a teenager I do recall hearing about people getting their stomach stapled to lose weight, in the same breath as someone talking about the staples getting ripped out, or infected.  I came away from that thinking surgical intervention for weight loss = bad.

In the beginning, I had only heard WLS associated with people that were in the home-bound, bed-ridden level of obesity.  Then somewhere around 10 or so years ago, it become more common to hear of people...well, my size...getting "The Surgery."  It became the go-to for losing weight, whispered around that this was the magic bullet that us fatties had been waiting for.  Yet, I never saw it as something I wanted to do.  To be honest, at the time I didn't want to do ANYTHING...I hadn't hit the clicking point yet for myself.

I admit it.  I am judgmental when it comes to using WLS as the "cure-all," for people.  I've watched people get the surgery, and then learn nothing about improving eating habits, exercise, etc.  One such person I knew even would eat enough to "dump," aka vomit, empty their now-smaller stomach, and once done, go back for more food because they "had room again."

This same person didn't want people to know they had WLS, so I would stand there and hear the praises heaped on them for all their "hard work," and how wonderful and skinny they looked...all the while knowing they had just 15 minutes ago been shoving the 2nd round cheese puffs in their mouths, while chubby me was eating my balanced plate of food, after running 2 miles in the morning, and still fitting in the 20-zone sizes.  Where was my acknowledgement?

Do I think this of everyone whose ever had WLS?  Absolutely not.  Everyone has their own reasons - and rights - to choose whatever method to lose weight they want.  There are people that this is truly, honestly, the only option they have.  People who need to lose wieght in order to be more mobile to move.

It's the "bad apples" that have put the bad taste in my mouth.  People going out gorging on food for their "last meals" before surgery.  People actually GAINING weight in order to qualify for the surgery...in what universe does that make sense?

I worry we keep going and reaching for the "magic trick," we are never going to learn how to be healthy.  I see devices like the Aspire Assist, and I'm horrified.  Is this really better than a trainer and a nutritionist?

Maybe it's not just WLS that I have an overall problem with in the Losing Weight Game.  Any time I hear the words "lose weight fast," I tune out.  I've watched people close to me do those.  Hell, anyone who has had a TV in the past 20 years watched Oprah go super-skinny on protein shakes, only to gain it all back (and then some) once she had to start eating normal food and meals again.  Carnie Wilson had a second WLS because she gained all the weight back from her previous Gastric Bypass, because in her own words, "I think it was just a combination of reverting back to old habits and not exercising anymore.”

Just so I'm not just bashing WLS, let me throw in the other "get quick fix" fad that is not healthy:  The Biggest Loser.  I wrote about the unrealistic expectations set on the viewers - and the contestants back in September (what a original title!).  The other night I caught the weigh-in part of the new season, to see contestants upset they "only" lost five pounds.  I found myself starting to yell at the TV, and then reminded myself of why I didn't watch the show.

I admit, I look at those SlimFast ads or the Magic Cookie commercials and think, "well, maybe as just a kick-start to get thin, and THEN I can do the healthy thing!"   I know that's not the answer.  It has to be a balance of a good diet and exercise.  It took a long time to get fat and unhealthy...it's going to take a long time to get healthy.


My approach to this is not that I am dieting.  I am changing my way of life.  Diet is a noun for me, not a verb.  This isn't temporary.  This is way I want, NEED, to live and eat and exercise in order to stay alive and healthy.

Losing weight is a balance.  Eat the food to fuel you.  Use the fuel to get moving and exercise, lose the fat, and build the muscle.  The "trick?"  Finding the best combination that works for you.  It may take awhile.   Keep believing you can find it, and keep working on it.  That's when the magic happens.    Your magic bullet is YOU.

My Turn

This is me, trying the "lift yourself up" activity at the Boston Children's Museum.

There was a time that I would not even consider doing something like that. I would have been too self-conscious to try and lift my bulk. I would not want other people looking at me and making snide remarks or jokes. But...my daughter asked me to. She saw her Daddy try it, and then said "it's Mommy's turn! Your turn now, right Mommy?"

I didn't even hesitate.  There was no way I was going to say no to her.  Not for this.  I never want to say to her "Mommy's too big to do this, sweetie."  I want her to know anyone, of any size, can do anything.

I actually wanted to see if I could do it. I got in the chair, worried for one moment about the seat belt fitting (it did just enough), and I got the chair up somewhat. I didn't make it all the way up to the top.

I know there will be a time we'll visit there, and I will lift myself up to the top.  I have no doubt in my mind.  I've been getting stronger with my workouts.  I can now go from a folded position and jump back into a push-up position.  I can do pushups!

I didn't think that the Biggest Loser DVDs and my 2-mile walks around the Common were doing more than maintaining for me.  But clothes are fitting looser.  My strength and flexibility are improving.  I am improving.

White Coat Syndrome, or why Fat Folks hate the Doctor

In my sophomore year of high school, I came down with mono.  My parents weren't sure it was mono at first, thinking I was being a usual lazy oversleeping teenager.  So my Mom took me to the pediatrician.  During the exam, the nurse decided to talk to me about my weight, even giving me a slip of paper with the title of Covert Bailey's bestseller "Fit or Fat?" for me to read.  I was in there for swollen glands, swollen spleen, stemming from a virus, and here I was being lectured about my weight.

This was the first, but not the last, of many, many encounters of inappropriate conversations about my weight challenges by the medical profession. I hadn't thought about that situation until just now, when I was trying to remember the first time I was fat-shamed in an doctor's office.

I want to make sure I'm clear on how I feel about this issue, as I am sure that this will raise a lot of discussion and arguments.  Yes, you should talk with a doctor about your weight, if you feel it is a problem for you.  Yes, your doctor should be able to bring it up as a medical concern as your primary care physician.  However, I feel there is a time and a place for this, and currently that is not happening.  Because of this, way too many of my chubby kin avoid whitecoats, and are letting other major health issues get the best of them.

One day in the fall of the late 90's, I woke up not feeling right.  I made it into work, not realizing I couldn't talk until I opened my mouth to say good morning to my boss.  What came out was something that sounded like Muppets underwater.  I had to have a coworker call and make an appointment for me with my primary care physician.  When I got to the office, the first thing they did?  Put me on the scale.  I ended up having life-threatening tonsilitis (I had tonsils that would swell to the point they almost blocked my airways).  Instead, I got the "lose weight" lecture from a nurse until the doctor saw me and realized my situation.

I avoided doctors and getting physicals for the majority of my 20s.  I didn't want to hear the lecture about my obesity.  I knew I was fat, and I knew I was at risk for other health conditions because of it.   Knowing that every other health concern I had would be overlooked because of my fat left me using CVS for my ailments.

In my 30s, I got more confident in my size and rights as a patient, if I wasn't in the office for a physical exam, I would refuse to get on the scale.  I did get some confrontation, but I was insistent that my weight did _not_ have anything to do with my fever of 103.

I had some gynecological issues in my early 30s.  I went to a Gynecologist who treated me with condescension and disbelief of my issues.  Whenever I called to discuss my problems, he would threaten me with putting me on birth control to stop getting my period, like a cancer patient, is that what I wanted?  I finally snapped at him, telling him no, I'd like him to treat me like a human being with things I know aren't normal for my body.   He did a uterine biopsy on me a)without warning me or b)giving me any pain relief.  I am not sure this was weight-related treatment, but it was his attitude that led me to one of the worst exams I've ever had.

After this horrid experience, I decided to go with a new GYN that a friend recommended.  This friend was also on the plus-size side, so I figured she would be a safe bet as doctor's go.  After getting the usual pre-checkup stuff done, the doctor walked in, and with barely and introduction, launched into telling me I needed weight loss surgery.  I was floored.  She told me that at my height, I should be somewhere around 110 pounds, and seeing that I was nowhere near that, surgery was my only option.  When I told her that i had never dieted or had a regular exercise regime, and I'd like to try that route first,  she told me flat out, "I don't think that would ever work for you."  She then proceeded to give me an internal exam that to this day...I felt violated by, with her rudeness and coldness.  She then told me that my issues would only be solved with scarring procedures, or a hysterectomy. Either way, children would never be in my future.

After I spent a day balled up on the couch bawling my eyes out, the next day, I got up, and I worked out.  I got a nutritionist who taught me about portion control and healthy eating.  In about a year and a half's time, I lost about 50 pounds.  More importantly, I got HEALTHY. 

When I was pregnant with my first child (something the evil gyno said would NEVER happen...HA!), I was worried about going to the OB and getting the "talk."  I knew that there were different guidelines for obese pregnant women.  However, I never was scolded or lectured to during the pregnancy.  The OB knew I was doing prenatal yoga and walking when I could, and she said "different studies come out all the time about how much you should gain.  As long as you're doing fine, I'm not worried."  I gained the average weight for a pregnancy, and had a healthy baby girl.


This OB became the total OPPOSITE with my second pregnancy.  As I wrote about in this CC entry,  she was relentess in harassing me about my weight.  Even though I was lighter and healthier in this pregnancy.  She didn't care.  She was dismissive, and wouldn't believe me when I assured her I was making healthy choices.  Again, I had a healthy baby boy, no thanks to the stress she added to my pregnancy.

Now here I am today.  A month ago, I had my first physical in about four years (pregnancies, not fear, kept me from them).  I got on the scale, saw the number.  As the doc looked at my charts online, I saw the words MORBIDLY OBESE screaming from the monitor.  She asked me about my overall health, my activity, my lifestyle.  I kept waiting for the lecture, it never came.  At the end of the exam, as she as leaving, I said to her, "Doctor, I just want to thank you for not bringing up or lecturing me about my weight.  I know that it is a concern and that I am working on it, and I was prepared to tell you all that.  Thank you for treating me like a human being."  She came back over to me, put her hand on my arm and said, "You told me all that you're doing for your health.  Why am I going to lecture you on stuff you already have a handle on.  You are in great health for your age, and you are raising two little ones that are your first priority.  You're doing what you can, and that's all I can ask of my patients. "  I would be lying if I didnt say that I cried with joy on the way home.

That's right.  I cried because a doctor treated me the way we should be expected to be treated by another human being, even more so by those who want to help us stay healthy and current customers; with respect.


I'm writing this entry because recently a friend asked for doctor recommendations on FB, and I knew, through the unwritten understanding between people of size, to make sure when I made recommendations, to state they were size-friendly.  I shouldn't have to DO THAT.  We should have the expectation that people who in a profession that deals with all walks of life, should have tact.

Instead, I read articles like this one.  I read articles where doctors don't want to treat overweight patients because it raises their insurance rates.  Or I read blogs and horror stories of how overweight people aren't treated for medical issues because doctors can't look past the fat.

As I mentioned.  There is a time and a place to have the weight discussion.  Doctors need to be trained better on how to handle that.  Stop treating patients like children.  As patients, we need to be more assertive, and stand up for ourselves.  They're our bodies, no one else is going to care about it more than you!

Balance

After a week of the "30-Day Shred," I could not return that DVD to the library fast enough.  I did not want a workout that made me feel defeatist and a loser from the starting gate.  That's not how my motivation works.  I need something that I can DO at least 75-90% of, and work on getting to the 100%, and then move on from there.


I decided on some more "Biggest Loser" brand DVDs.  Not because I've ever really watched the show, but reading reviews about the workouts described exactly what I'm looking for; a workout I can customize, and build up, without having to buy more DVDs right away, or a whole workout plan.  Since they've been out for a few years, I was able to get both a  cardio and a strength DVD used for about ten bucks

Both these DVDs have customizing options, another feature that appealed to me.  You select from Warmup, Level One, Two, Three, and Cool down/Stretch.  You also can select to do the workouts with or without the trainer.   What, I don't have to face Jillian again if I don't want to?  BRING IT!

I started with this one as something to do on my non-running days.  I was a little apprehensive since I would be facing my nemesis Jillian again.   I'm starting to think she has a Jekyll-Hyde personality disorder.  On this DVD, she was nice, helpful, and forgiving if you couldn't complete the task.  She even called one of the BL contestants (who are doing the workout with you) "Poodle!"  I was able to do complete Level One workout, and I felt like I got a good workout in, but did not collapse into a pool of tears thinking I sucked.

On the mornings I just can't bring myself to get out running (which is becoming more and more common - more on that later), I have been using this DVD.  Bob the Trainer is so NICE!  He proves you can be motiviational without humilating someone!  He's also totally okay that you may not be able to do everything right away, and they have examples of getting the job done without breaking something.  I love that in 30 minutes I am sweating, breathing heavy, and know I got a GOOD workout.  The yoga stretching cooldown is also great. I miss my yoga, and getting a little bit at the end of this DVD is a treat.

Both these videos have the Biggest Loser contestants performing the workouts with you.  They're all at different levels, from having a winner on there, to folks about halfway through the season (I'm guessing).  I will say using these DVDs has piqued my curiosity in watching the show.

...until I read this tell-all article about being a contestant on the show.    This made me sad.  I'm not surprised about the revelations about behind-the scenes, but it's stuff like this that builds up expectations in folks who then get frustrated when they haven't lost a gazillion pounds in three days.

I think that's why I have not been a religious viewer of the show.  I would watch it, and then subconsciously set expectations on  myself to have the same results as those on the BL Campus.  Then I'd feel sorry for myself being such a failure, and say the heck with it and just stop exercising all together.

That's NOT what I want to be about.  Maybe I'll watch it and blog about it, and how you could translate what they're doing into Real Life, where sometimes soothing your one-year old's cries is more important than the 30 minute sculpt video.   Where sometimes you can have that piece of cheesecake...just not every night that week.