Whoa-Oh, Halfway there...(60 Lbs. Down)

 

Six months, 60 pounds lost.  I am now halfway to my goal of losing 120 pounds.

Whoa.  60 pounds.  Six-ty.

I am currently at a weight I don't think I've ever been in my adult life.  At my current rate, I may be under 200 lbs by the end of winter.  I'm having a hard time parsing that.  I have never NOT been fat, as far as I can remember.

Like I said, whoa.

I  recognize the changes in my body in terms of movement.  I am able to go up stairs without a shortness of breath.  I am not feeling pain in my knees, or my back, as much as I used to.  I've increased my level of activity.  I'm walking almost 3 miles a day,  and working out in the mornings.  I'm also able to do things I haven't before.  This morning, I was able to do tricep dips off the end of my couch, raising my body up using just my arms.  Previously I would skip that exercise, but now I can do multiple reps.  I'm also getting closer to grabbing my foot behind my back for a quad stretch, something for years I've attributed to having short arms and failing at.

I have also noticed that I am getting looked at in the eye more.  At first when I noticed it happening, I thought it was because I had something on my face.  Then I wondered if it was my purple lipstick I was wearing.  After a few weeks of this, it dawned on me:  people were meeting me in the eye more as I lost weight.  I wanted to shake that idea away as foolishness, but I'm here to tell you it is happening more, and it is still creeping me out.  This is different than the stares of people when they think you're not paying attention.  That's not meeting another human being's face.  I've lived so long in this world as a fat person, I know the difference.  If you do not fit society's "norms," then you are not to be looked at directly, rather to be gawked at.

I want to be upset at this realization.  But...there is this tiny, small part of me, the grade school girl that got taunted, that is saying "Yay!  They're looking at us!  I finally fit in now!  I'm considered part of society!"

Again, whoa.

This is all part of the challenges in my brain of trying to balance out my current path, with my beliefs of Health at Every Size (HAES).  I want to make sure throughout my journey I keep saying that, because I do not EVER want my journey to be any anti-obesity or fat-shaming lesson.  For me, and ONLY me, I was not healthy at my size.  My body was starting to wear out, and I needed to take care of it and find the size I am healthy at.

Why, then, am I showing the pictures of when I started the journey, and where I am now, like a before-and-after?  Because I am proud of my efforts.  The benefit to losing weight and getting in shape is finding clothes that fit better. It is not lost on me that while I may be fitting better in lower-sized clothing, could it be that it is because the variety of clothing is better tailored at the lower sizes?

Additionally I want to stop downplaying all the work I've done getting this far.  Trust me, I keep trying to.   Whenever someone congratulates or cheers me on, I find myself making excuses for not making it a big deal. I've realized this may be in some part, a form of  Imposter Syndrome, that if people call attention to my achievement I may be "found out" as a fraud.  That using Weight Watchers is "cheating;"  That working out to Biggest Loser videos isn't "really working out."  That really, at the end of the day, I don't "fit in."

The reconciliation of all of these things is part of my journey.  I am aware of that, and figuring it out.  I don't know if I will need to seek help beyond friends and Connect (Weight Watcher's in-app community) to resolve it.

But for now, for today?  I want to brag,

 I HAVE LOST 60 POUNDS!

  I have worked REALLY REALLY HARD at it!  

...and I am NOT DONE! 

This is 40

Charms, L-R: Red spacer from my Mother's jewelry collection; a Dragonfly (gift from cousins); blue spacer from Ma's collection; my WW 20 lb charm; my 40-lb loss reward, a TARDIS!

I've hit another loss milestone.  I've lost forty pounds. The newest charm is a TARDIS, which has multiple meanings for me.  It's one of the first TV shows I remember my Mom watching, and it scared me (the theme music and the "guy in the wheelchair," that I now know as Davros!).  It's a favorite show of me & my husband, who has been so amazing and supportive of me on this journey.  We nicknamed our current home the "TARDIS on the Charles," because of it's location on the river and how it looks so much bigger once you step inside.

We'll be leaving the TARDIS soon for a new home, and I wanted a reminder of the house that we started our family in, and how far we've come since then.  It's the same on this journey of better health and weight loss.  I don't ever want to forget where I've been.  And not out of a fear of "ever going back," but more of an appreciation of who I was at the weight I was at that time.

I have been struggling with the challenge of dealing with external negativity., in different forms:

Passive Aggressive  - and downright aggressive - WW hate:  It's interesting to see the increase of articles posted on social media  since I've come out about using Weight Watchers. Links about diet plans that don't work long-term (think the Biggest Loser contestants), and specifically about Weight Watchers relying on people failing at weight loss and coming back as a revenue stream. I've also started seeing comments on the new SmartPoints system, and how it's worse than the old one, and even a few comments on how it's unhealthy.

I can't argue with numbers of the WW stock going down, or membership numbers down.  But I'm also not sure what that has to do with the HUNDREDS of people I see on  Connect (the WW social feed in their app) that are succeeding, and the people making Lifetime membership and maintaining.

I also can tell you I've felt the best about my eating than I have in a long, LOOONG time.  On this journey I have room to indulge in not-so-healthy-for-me choices in that I can plan for, and NOT feel guilty or beat myself up.  I am learning to make choices, and I'm also understanding the effects of those choices.  I'm learning a life plan, not a quick weight-loss diet plan.

And then there was the salesperson at GNC that trash-talked WW as well, saying "I just can't see how using a point system really works in losing weight."  While trying to upsell me an expensive protein bar instead of my beloved Quest bars, which according to him were filled with artificial sweeteners and worse for my body.  I angrily told him "well, it works for me as I've lost 35 pounds so far," and stormed out of the store, never going back.

Non-Scale Vicory (NSV): This is a shirt I didn't fit in over a year ago.
 Look at how WW "just doesn't work."  Right.

Clean eating vs. "Chemicals."  Posts about how it isn't "real" success unless you've done it without using artificial sweeteners/chemical-filled foods/anything other than "natural" food.  Posts criticizing people eating Halo Top ice cream and other brands of food, even going so far to calling it "cheating!"  What?   I think it's no one's business but their own on what they're eating, and who am I to tell them it's right or wrong?

Weight Loss Surgery vs. Weight Loss Plan/Dieting  I am admitting here; I have in the past been EXTREMELY judgmental with some people on getting WLS in order to lose their weight, and felt a bit smug that I was doing it "the right way."  I was wrong to think that.  SO.  WRONG.  The stories I've read of people struggling the same struggles I have, and the hope and miracles that WLS did for them, and reading the stories on Connect, and I get it now.  It's opened my eyes, and I needed to check my own privilege.

I am SO tired of the gatekeeping around weight loss and getting healthy. What is it saying about ourselves that we not only pass judgement who should and shouldn't lose weight, but then decide it's "real," only on the terms that we decide are acceptable?  Nope, it doesn't work that way.

If you, not society, not a fatphobic doctor, not anyone else, feel like you should make movement and/or weight changes to your body?  DO WHAT WORKS FOR YOU.  Walking.  Running.  Sweatin' to the Oldies. YOU do YOU.  And I'll be here, rooting for you!

Reward System

At my Mother's memorial gathering, two of my cousins gifted me a charm bracelet with a dragonfly charm, and a copy of The Dragonfly Story to explain the significance.   I've decided to use this bracelet as part of my reward system for the newest path on my journey to wellness.

One of the reasons I'm losing doing this is because of my mom.  She died of endometrial cancer, This particular type of cancer feeds on estrogen.  If you're overweight, guess what gets stored in fat?  Estrogen!   Even though my doctor told me this type of cancer isn't hereditary, I don't want to take chances.

The Weight Watchers app has a great social feature called Connect, and you can see how other people using WW are doing in terms of working the point system, great recipe hacks, success stories, and sharing strength with those that need it. There's also been posts about a reward system.  In the past, I've felt awkward creating or thinking up ways to "reward" myself for weight loss.  For some reason, I felt that I shouldn't reward what I felt was cleaning up the mess that is my body and weight.  Or that if I did do a reward system, and I earned a reward, my inner critic would find some way to discredit it.

This time, I decided to work with those uncomfortable feelings, as I have found that it might be uncomfortable because it's a challenge, and therefore an opportunity to learn.   I wanted to learn to reward myself, and to celebrate getting healthy.

I made a checklist, in five-pound intervals.  I decided every 20 pounds would be a larger milestone, and deserve a bigger reward:  a charm on the bracelet.  I would be able to wear my accomplishment and see it, in order to be reminded of the path and goals I've set for myself, and to also have my Mom there, giving me her strength and rooting me on from beyond.  Here's my list, which I started late in the game so started at 15 lbs:

• 15 lbs: Markers for coloring  - DONE!
• 20: New Charm for Bracelet  - DONE!
• 25: Nail Polish 
• 30: Zen Embroidery kit 
• 35: New Boots (This will also be a milestone for another number on the scale)
• 40: Charm for Bracelet 
• 45: Lipstick  
• 50: Mani/Pedi 
• 55: Music Album 
• 60: Charm for Bracelet  
• 65: Board Game 
• 70: Graphic Novel 
• 75: Facial 
• 80: Charm for Bracelet  
• 85: Flower Bouquet 
• 90: Book 
• 95: Adirondack Chair  
• 100:Charm for Bracelet  
• 105: Vera Bradley Bag 
• 110:  GOAL!!!! - Charm!!!

I earned my first reward, the markers, and I went to Target and got myself a modest, 12-pen set.  It had been something I had wanted, but now instead of zipping to the store to get it, I waited until I earned it.  I also realized one of the ways I used to reward myself for healthy accomplishments (running, 5ks) was with food.  I ran enough to eat that cake, or I walked around the Boston Common and Garden at lunch, so I can have that extra taco.  For me, those aren't rewards anymore; that's self-sabotage.

As you can see in the photo, I've now earned my first 20-lb loss reward; a Wonder Woman charm.  Those that have been reading this blog and have seen my costumes for 5Ks and sci-fi conventions, should not be surprised.  Wonder Woman has always been a symbol of strength for me, so it had to be the first charm, to be right next to my "Ma" charm.  I don't think it's a coincidence the initials are "WW."

I'm also going to admit, I'm loving getting rewards.   As much as I love the positive feedback from friends and family, rewarding myself is part of self-care I've ignored or not done appropriately.  Learning to do this I think will help me this time stick with this, and get the rest of these things on the list!

Reboot and an Upgrade

Three years' hiatus is a long time in the blogoshpere.  No one reads a blog that doesn't update, and a blogger won't write unless there's an audience.  The blog eventually becomes an inert part of the WorldWideWeb.

I have many reasons this blog went without updates for so long:  Two kids and a full-time job; senior-level staff convention running; two job changes; injuries that prevented exercise;  but most of all, losing both parents and  then the will for self-care.

When my father passed in December of 2013, it was a shock.  When my mother passed this past January, it was at the end of a ferocious battle with cancer. Both of these events were to be expected, but the timing and circumstances didn't lend to coping.  Also?  I don't think you can  ever be prepared to lose your parents.

A lot of coping came in the form of comfort food (oh, so MUCH yummy comfort food), and alcohol.  I also took a job that was remote, so I was working from home and sitting much more than I used to.  At first, I was able to get out and exercise on lunch breaks or early in the morning, but as the job and workload went on my free time was squeezed out.  An increase of travel meant eating out more, and grabbing what you could when you could.

A wake-up call for me was in mid-April. I hurt my left knee pretty bad, to the point of having to go see an orthopedist surgeon and receive a cortisone shot.  He found arthritis, a torn meniscus, and a bone spur:

As I lamented while limping around wearing a brace, a very good, dear friend that saves peoples' lives for a living (they're a doctor), was sending me messages, offering advice for pain management, and finally gave me some advice for taking care of my knees that included losing some weight to alleviate pressure on the knee joints.  According to my doctor friend, even losing 11 pounds would make a large difference to my leg-bender parts.

While lying on the couch fighting a stomach bug, an ad for Weight Watchers came on TV.  Up until now, I had mixed feelings about signing up for any weight loss program.  For people perceived to be outside the societal norms for weight, there is this weird, fucked-up paradox that includes weight loss attempts to be sources of humor and pessimism.  Society has no problem telling you you're fat, and that you're unhealthy and ordering you to "do something about it," and at the same time it also has no problem yelling mean things out a window at a chubby person out for a jog, or laughing when they mention joining a weight-loss system.  I see it on social media, I've had it happen to me personally.  

There's also the fear of alienating and losing your other overweight friends.  You're considered a traitor to the "Healthy at Every Size," movement if you talk about losing weight.  Mentioning joining WW or Jenny Craig, or any of those programs, will get a quiet, non-enthusiastic response of "oh," a passive-aggressive way of saying "so you're caving in to society, and leaving us in the fight for fat acceptance."  I know this because I've been like this and said this, and been in conversations this has been said.

And here's where the messed-up thinking that forms the inner bully comes in, trying to convince you that joining something like WW is nothing more than another point of possible failure, or even worse...ridicule and negativity comments.

That's right.  I would rather NOT join WW, something I would be doing to preserve my health, so not to upset OTHERS.  This has been part of my self-sabotaging MO most of my life:  putting others' needs and feelings before mine.  I am realizing now this has to stop, in order to save at least my knees, if not my life:

I decided to sign up for Weight Watchers online program that day.  I do not regret it.

It has NOT been easy.  The first two weeks were stressful, trying to fit my usual eating into the point plan of the program.  I constantly went over the allotments, flew through the weekly buffer points, leaving me feeling like I was failing.  The thing is, I wasn't failing, and in fact, I think I needed to have those weeks of going over the points to have the realization of my own habits.  I was overeating, and even if I thought I was eating healthy, in reality I was loading up on sugars and carbs.  Pretty sneaky, Weight Watchers...teaching me lessons through a point-system!

Then there's the social aspect of the program.  If you use the Connections part of the mobile app (and a downloadable program for the computer), you have a supportive social network of people all trying to do the same thing you are.  What has been helping me is seeing I'm not the only one that wants to lose over 100 pounds.  Most of my social circle that wants to lose weight isn't in that range so it's hard to have that shared experience.  Seeing others' success stories and struggles helps keep me motivated and finding kindred spirits to connect to.  It has also been a lifesaver in finding tips and tricks to, as one member says, "eat like a fat kid and still lose weight."

An unexpected enjoyment is the gamification and room for creativity in this process.  For example, during the warm weather, I love my flavored ice coffees from Dunkies and Starbucks.  Lots of calories to drink in those.  I was horrified to see that even the Mini S'Mores Frappucino that I adore was over 200 calories!  With nonfat milk!  I've now discovered the joy of adding the bottled Skinny Caramel Macchiato to my coffee, with little caloric impact, and still get something yummy.  Last night, while the family had pizza delivery, I made myself a tortilla pizza and a lightened-up Cesear salad.  I didn't feel like I was sacrificing anything; in fact, I love thin crust over regular crust, so I was TOTALLY getting what I wanted anyway! 

I've now been on the plan for over a month. I've lost 18 lbs.  My knee is feeling SO much better, and now I'm  looking into ways to get more exercise.  I may start up my Daily Burn account.  I also have a mini stationary cycle that I'm trying to use in the mornings while watching TV, and allowing myself only to watch certain shows when I'm cycling (Kimmy Schmidt is the current show).

I'm at a point where I also want to get more mindful of this, and incorporate it into getting back into finding myself and my bliss.  I'm inspired by Wil Wheaton's 'Rebooting' process, I want to make my own list, but not call it a reboot.  This blog is definitely  reboot, but as a geek, I feel my current path is more of an upgrade.  

I'll be posting my progress here. It's not the same path when I was running (thanks knee!), but it's still a journey about health all the same.  Let's see where it goes.

Starting Weight: 285

Current Weight: 267

Goal Weight: 165

Don't Diss Your BFF

 

Have you ever had a friend that let you down?  You would make plans to meet for lunch, then at the last minute, they would call and cancel?  Or constantly reschedule plans over and over, until it just never happened?  Most likely, you disassociated yourself from that person.  You deserve to be treated with more respect for your time, and to be appreciated as a friend, right?

If you wouldn't take it from a friend...why take that treatment from yourself? That's the epiphany I had on a morning walk last week.  I work from home on Mondays, so instead of my usual lap around the Boston Common and Public Gardens, I went out in my neighborhood.  As I walked down the road that I used to run, I was almost giddy with the familiarity of the path.  I swear, I could FEEL my legs begging to run.  I wasn't in the proper shoes or clothing, so I just picked up my walking pace instead.

As I walked, I reviewed what had happened to my running training.   For the most part, it stopped during the cold dark winter mornings.  As it got warmer and lighter, I still snuggled under the covers.  I found excuse after excuse not to get up.  Recovering from a cold.  Getting to be late the night before.  The kids are up early.  It's only Tuesday, I've got a few more days in the week to make up the workout I'm missing.

That's when it hit me.  If a friend was blowing me off like that?  I'd be pissed, and probably stop talking to them.  Why then, do I l treat myself that way?  When it comes to fitness and health, you need to be your own Best Friend.  When you feel like sleeping through one more snooze button, imagine what you would tell your friend who you made running plans with that morning.  If you sit on the couch and watch the morning news instead of exercising with your workout DVD, imagine the conversation, "I'm sorry we didn't get together.  I was too busy watching the news."  You deserve better treatment from yourself.

To that end, I'm not saying that you become a Drill Instructor either.  In fact, being your own friend is just the opposite.  When I hurt my foot, and I wasn't able to work out as much, I was beating myself up, and felt like a wimp for not "getting back on the horse" quicker.  If that was one of my friends telling me they were mad at themselves I would not allow them to be so hard on themselves.  So why should I let myself, beat ME up?

WRONG: "What are you doing still in bed?  I don't care you have a sprained calf muscle!"

We are our worst critics and enemies.  If we are to succeed at being healthy...hell, at ANYTHING, we need to become our biggest supporters.   And with any successful relationship, it starts with just being friends.

Boston Strong

I get to say hello to Mama and her ducklings (who live in the Boston Public Gardens) during my lunchtime walks.

The Boston Marathon used to be background noise for a day off when I was growing up.   When I started working in town, a bunch of us would walk down Boylston and hang out at the Purple Cactus' patio bar and cheer on the stragglers (this was back when the race started at noon).

And then my social circle started running.  a 5k here, 10k there, then one of us hit the big show:  The Boston Marathon.  I was so giddy and happy and proud for her, I took the day off, and cheered her on in Natick and Boston.  In front of Lord & Taylor, to be exact.  She has a picture of us from that day, cheering her on behind the barrier.  I was five months pregnant with my son.  I won't share that photo here, because I do not want to associate that image during that wonderful day and her amazing accomplishment with what happened this year at the Marathon.

If you live or work in Boston, it's hard not to have any association with Boylston Street.  I've bought running sneakers in that Marathon Sports that's currently missing windows.  During my walks in the Common and Garden last week, I would hit the corner of Arlington and Boylston Streets, and see the gaggle of news vans, and the barricade.  I didn't stop, I kept going.  I did not want to gawk at the tragedy.  I was already overwhelmed with the events of that day.

I know, It's hard not to be overwhelmed if you have any association of affection for Boston.  The first time I saw where the bombs went off, I played the what if? game.  What if I had done my usual Patriot's Day activities, and went to the Red Sox game, then walked over to watch the race?  What if....   But, that didn't happen.

I wish I didn't have the images of that day in my mind.   I had just put down the kids for an afternoon nap, hoping they were exhausted from their trip to the park.  My daughter had asked if we could watch "more runners on TV."  That morning, we had all watched the start of the race.  She asked where her Daddy was in the race.  "No, Sweetie, Daddy's not running in this race, he's at work."  We all cheered the wheelchair race winner, then went on with our day.

I grabbed the remote and flipped on the TV, to have it on in the background while I tidied up from the kiddo tornado.  "If you are just tuning in..." the news anchor started.  I looked up, and saw the carnage on Boylston Street.  I ran for the phone, and called my husband.  I was shaken, and horrified, and needed another grownup to talk to.  He couldn't see the scene, and so was not as upset.  "Turn off the TV," he told me.  Instead, I told him I loved him, and then called my parents in OR.  I wanted to make sure they knew I was nowhere near Boston.  My mother and I watched the helicopter footage together.

More calls, more texts from people.  Who was there?  Was anyone we knew running?  The scariest game of Bo-Peep played while phone lines and websites were overloaded.  Friends and acquaintances we knew running were all accounted for.  Little ones woke up, and the television went off.  A lot of hugging happened.

Bostonians are resilient people.  We've stood up to bullying and fear before.  We lace up our boots, push up our sleeves, and say "That all you got?"  We also try not to do a lot of dwelling on things, and move forward when bad stuff happens.  We move on, we move forward.

The city is a lot calmer this week.  There's a lot less AR-15s walking around Government Center.  The news vans are gone.  Boylston Street  is open for business.  I decided to take some of that move forward energy and apply it to my fitness.

This morning I got up early, and went for a walk.  That became intervals between walking and running.  It felt good (so good, so good, SO GOOD).  The adrenaline rushing, being able to get out all that stress from these past two weeks, the anger, the fear, the panic.

We are Boston Strong!

Winter of Discontent

"Winter is Coming."

The month of February has not been kind to me or my family.  This has left working out in quite the mess.

First, we had a blizzard.  This meant school closures, and me not having time to work out.  However, there was shovelling, and pulling the little ones around in sleds:

Then, we had illnesses in our house.  First me, then the kids.  My illness left me not able to exercise, and the middle-of the night sessions with sick kids also did not help.  At that point, more rest for the body was more important than getting up to work out.

So finally, FINALLY, this past Monday I was able to get up and work out.  The week before I bought a new workout DVD, I found in the clearance aisle:

"Really, just 30 days of jumping, that's it."

I popped the DVD in, and selected the 10-minute cardio level one. I hadn't worked out in about two weeks, this would be a good way to start, right?  The workout is done by contestants, no BL Trainers in sight.  They go into a "warm-up," a term I use very, VERY loosely.  It was all upper body, wave your arms around, reach for the sky type of thing.  That was my first warning that something wasn't right.  We're going to be doing some cardio, right?  Shouldn't we do some leg warmups?

It then goes right into the "cardio blast" workout.  It was bad, really bad.  A LOT of jumping up and down, and about 8 minutes into it, I stopped.  My knees weren't happy, and it just did not feel like a workout.  But, did I think it was a bad DVD?  No, not at the time.  At the time that residual Evil Gym Teacher in my head was telling me "It's a professional video!  You're just out of shape, that's why it was hard!"

By the afternoon, I was walking with a limp.  The next morning, I could barely walk on one foot.  My heel was in so much pain I was hobbling around.  As I reflected on the previous mornings' workout, I saw two problems with what I did:

1. I did the workout without shoes on.  I haven't had a problem with the other DVDs, but there was not a lot of jumping up in down in those.  Not having shock absorbers pretty much wrecked my heel and my calf muscles for awhile.
2. I didn't listen to myself.  I knew the workout wasn't safe.  I knew something didn't feel right, but instead I doubted my knowledge of smart/safe working out because I still don't acknowledge that I CAN know these things, even though I'm obese.

I'm keeping myself on the DL until my calf muscles stop twinging in pain, which will probably be the rest of this week.  When I start up again Monday, I will go with what I know is smart: warming up, not too much repetitive motion that feels strained, TRUST MY INSTINCTS AND KNOWLEDGE.  Oh, and tossing that DVD in the trash.